How can I cope with a miscarriage? How can I grieve and how can life go on?
From the bottom of our hearts, we want to tell you how sorry we are that you have experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth! 🙏
If you are reading this, you have apparently experienced this firsthand… That is very sad!
Perhaps there had already been signs or you had a premonition. Or maybe it happened very suddenly and at first went unnoticed. Either way, you had hoped to hold your baby in your arms in the coming months/weeks — and now you are mourning your child, even if he or she was still very small. We feel deeply with you.
It is important not to feel guilty. Because it is not always possible to say why a miscarriage or stillbirth happened. You are not to blame, and you very likely could not have changed or prevented it.
At Profemina, women repeatedly tell us about receiving this sad news. Sadly, it is part of the realities of life that not every life continues to develop and can be born alive. Perhaps your little one also had an illness, and it was unfortunately foreseeable that he or she might not survive birth or live for long.
Giving space to your feelings
A miscarriage or stillbirth is a very individual and profound sorrow! The news can truly feel as if the ground has been pulled out from under your feet. From one moment to the next, everything inside you can turn dark 🌥, or feelings of anger and despair may arise.
We would like to encourage you that you may now give space to all your feelings and allow yourself to grieve. You have every right to cry for your baby. Perhaps you are still in a state of shock and cannot fully grasp it. Maybe you cannot cry yet, but feel an inner emptiness and a kind of loss of perspective.
Perhaps you do not yet know what you are feeling or thinking right now, or what the coming days and weeks will be like.
Every woman experiences a miscarriage differently and grieves in her own way. It can also feel different if you have had to go through this painful experience more than once and find yourself again and again between hope, fear, and saying goodbye.
We would like to encourage you to take the time your heart needs now — to understand, to realise, to say goodbye, to grieve, and slowly, at your own pace, to regain courage and find a new perspective. But this can and may take time.
Confide in People Who Love You
It is also possible that the child’s father / your partner grieves differently and at first does not have strong emotions. This different way of coping with what happened can be additionally challenging, but it is also biologically based. After all, as a woman, you were already physically very closely connected to your baby. The man himself only knows the outside perspective. Especially if the baby was still very small and you were at the beginning of the pregnancy, it may be that your partner had not yet developed an emotional connection because the pregnancy did not yet feel tangible to him. But you can explain to him how everything feels for you now. All your feelings and also your physical sensations are real!
Perhaps no one in your surroundings knew about the pregnancy and you feel somewhat alone with the loss right now. See what feels good for you and whether you might want to confide in people close to you after all. It can help not to remain alone in your pain!
Maybe those around you do not react the way you had hoped, and not everyone can handle the situation. Be aware that they may themselves feel helpless or may not be able to put themselves in your place. But stay close to the people who stand lovingly by your side! Perhaps you would also like to connect with other women or couples who have also experienced a miscarriage/stillbirth. Sometimes there are grief circles or support groups in your area or online.
At this point, we would also like to mention that it is important after a miscarriage to see your gynecologist/obstetrician. It may feel inappropriate right now or you may not really feel up to it. But it should be checked that everything from your little one or the placenta has passed and that no infection has developed. Doctors have a lot of experience with this and can support you with care.
Finding Your Way to Say Goodbye
Some women report that it feels as if the light inside them goes out, even though it is daytime and life outside continues as usual. Everything around you carries on as normal, but you yourself feel motionless. What can help now?
On the one hand, it is advisable to find a way to say goodbye to your baby 🕯 For example, you could write a letter to your baby or create a memory booklet. You could paste in an ultrasound picture if you already had one or write down your feelings, your name ideas, the dreams you had already dreamed about your little one. Perhaps you would also like to create a small corner in your home and, for example, place a candle there.
On the other hand, you may also have the possibility to have your baby buried — it depends on how the miscarriage occurred, how far along you were in the pregnancy, and what the regulations are in your country or state. You can also inquire at your local community office whether there is a memorial site in the cemetery — a place for the very smallest (there are many names for this). There you can bring symbols or light candles. Depending on the regulations, parents also have the right to register the birth of their child at the registry office, thereby giving the child official recognition. Simply ask locally what would be possible for you. The associations and initiatives listed above can also help with such questions.
We wish you much strength for the coming time and loving people by your side!
Your Profemina Team ❤️