Frequently Asked Questions: Reconciling after Unfaithfulness?

Forgiveness: A Conscious Decision

When a partner is unfaithful, it can feel like a deep stab to the heart. Feelings of disappointment, anger, shame, uncertainty, and self-doubt may arise—especially if you found out suddenly and had no prior suspicion. But even if you somehow sensed it beforehand, the truth can still completely shake your world.

Perhaps you’re in such a situation now. You both want to save the relationship, and you’re asking yourself whether—and how—you can forgive your partner.
Here are some thoughts and suggestions that may help.

A First Source of Comfort

Learning that your partner has been unfaithful can be deeply painful. But this very pain also reflects something important: that faithfulness is a strong and meaningful value for you. And you are not alone in this. Many people long for a lifelong relationship built on trust and loyalty. The Shell Youth Study, for example, shows just how common this longing is. So this desire is something natural and deeply valuable—something you never need to feel ashamed of or question. Quite the opposite: to hold values and live by them is a rare and precious strength you have every right to honour.

Can I Forgive This?

You may now be asking yourself: How could I ever forgive something like this? And it is perfectly understandable to doubt whether that’s even possible—especially when the pain is still fresh and intense. But in general terms, forgiveness is not a matter of emotion; it is a question of the will. Whether or not the other person admits their mistake, forgiveness is a conscious choice—made in the midst of sadness, anger, and betrayal.

Forgiving does not mean pretending the wrong never happened. It doesn’t mean denying what hurt you, or brushing it aside, or acting as though all is suddenly well. The pain and other emotions may stay with you for a while—and that is completely normal. Healing is a process, and it is allowed to take time.

In this light, deciding to forgive a serious mistake can feel like a battle. And yet it is a path that, in time, can be walked.

Why Should I Forgive at All?

At first, it may seem easier not to forgive. And naturally, many of us feel a strong inner resistance to the idea. But this choice can keep us locked in a kind of victim role—ultimately harming ourselves more than anyone else. Feelings of resentment or the desire for revenge are like a heavy emotional burden we carry on our own back. And there's a real danger in this: the risk of sinking into bitterness.

When bitterness takes hold, it can make it hard to see anything good. In time, we may begin passing on our sadness to others—sometimes even hurting people around us without meaning to. But such a cycle can be interrupted by a conscious act of forgiveness.

In this light, forgiving can be one of the most courageous and healing steps a person can take.

Another helpful part of this process can be a change of perspective: asking yourself, How do my partner—or others—experience life with me? After all, none of us is without fault. There may well be areas where you, too, are less than perfect.

Of course, this doesn’t mean you should take the blame for someone else’s actions ;-). But a healthy and honest willingness to admit your own mistakes—and to recognise that you, too, sometimes depend on the forgiveness of others—can make it easier to consider taking that step yourself.

And just to be clear: forgiving someone doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship has to be fully restored. That might be a next step—a process of reconciliation. Whether or not that becomes possible is something only you can explore, one step at a time, in your own way.

Wishing you all the very best! 💚

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