Frequently Asked Questions: Reconciling after Unfaithfulness?

Forgiveness: A Conscious Decision

When a partner cheats, it can feel like a deep stab to the heart. Feelings of disappointment, anger, shame, confusion, and self-doubt may surface—especially if you found out suddenly and had no idea beforehand. But even if you somehow suspected it, the truth can still knock the ground out from under your feet.

Maybe you’re in such a situation right now. You want to save the relationship, and you’re wondering whether—and how—you can forgive your partner.
Here are a few thoughts and suggestions that might help.

A First Source of Comfort

The news that your partner has been unfaithful can be deeply painful. But at the same time, your strong emotional reaction shows that fidelity is a meaningful and deeply held value for you. And you’re not alone in that. Many people long for a lifelong partnership marked by mutual faithfulness and growing old together. This longing is not unusual—on the contrary, it’s entirely natural and valuable. The Shell Youth Study, for example, shows that this desire is shared by many. You don’t need to feel ashamed of your values or question them. Quite the opposite: having values and shaping your life around them is a precious strength you’re allowed to hold on to.

Can I Forgive This?

Perhaps now you’re asking yourself: How could I ever forgive this? That doubt is completely understandable, especially when the pain is still so raw. Looking at it more generally: forgiveness is not primarily a matter of feelings—it’s a matter of free will. Whether or not the other person recognises their mistake, forgiveness is something you decide to offer. It’s a conscious choice, made in the face of pain, grief, and anger.

At the same time, forgiving does not mean pretending the wrong never happened, downplaying it, or denying your emotions. And it doesn’t mean swallowing your hurt and acting as if everything is suddenly fine. Pain and other difficult emotions may still be present for a long time. That’s okay. Healing takes time, and you’re allowed to take that time.

So yes—choosing to forgive someone for a betrayal can be a struggle. But it’s also something that can become possible.

Why Should I Forgive at All?

At first glance, it might seem easier not to forgive. And it’s completely understandable to feel resistance. But refusing to forgive can keep us stuck in a kind of victim role—ultimately hurting ourselves the most. Thoughts of revenge or lingering anger are like a heavy emotional backpack we continue to carry on our own shoulders. And they come with a risk: the danger of becoming bitter.

Bitterness can cloud our view of the good in life and make it harder to feel joy. In time, we may even start passing on our sadness or pain to others—sometimes unintentionally hurting the very people we care about. But this kind of chain reaction can be broken by making a conscious choice to forgive.

In that sense, forgiveness can be one of the bravest and most healing steps you can take.

A helpful step in this process can be a shift in perspective: asking yourself, How are my partner—or others—affected by me? After all, none of us is perfect. There may be areas in your own life where you’ve also made mistakes.

Of course, this doesn’t mean blaming yourself for someone else’s wrongdoing ;-). But being willing to honestly acknowledge your own faults—and recognising that you, too, rely on the forgiveness of others—can make it easier to take that step toward forgiving.

By the way, forgiving doesn’t automatically mean that a relationship has to be fully restored. That could be a next step—reconciliation. Whether or not that happens is another question, and one you can explore gently and gradually, in your own time.

We’re wishing you all the best! 💚

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