Frequently Asked Questions: My partner doesn't support me in everyday life

The feeling of having to do everything alone

Taking care of grocery shopping, various household chores, appointments, and the children — these are all part of everyday family life.
When you start to feel like you're handling everything on your own and wish you had more support from your partner, it can become a real strain and lead to conflict in the relationship.

Are you currently in a situation like this and longing for change? We've put together some tips for you on what you can do now.

1. Reality Check

A helpful first step can be to take a step back from the situation — to adopt a bird’s-eye view and ask yourself honestly: Is it really like this?

• Are there perhaps things my partner does take care of, but I’ve lost sight of them because I’m currently feeling overwhelmed?
• Am I focusing only on tasks that are truly necessary right now, or am I possibly driven by exaggerated or even perfectionist expectations — both of myself and of others?
• Does my partner actually expect me to handle everything on my own?

If you come to the conclusion that it’s often the situation itself demanding action (like putting the child to bed, going grocery shopping because the fridge is empty), and not necessarily your partner ignoring it, the next step could be to try and see things from their perspective:

Does my partner even realize that I want their support in situations like the ones above? Is he truly being “lazy,” or is he simply tired after a long day at work and needs a moment to rest? Is he contributing in other areas of the relationship or family, and might he feel like he's the one carrying the load? Do I see and appreciate what he does — or have I started taking it for granted? Does he perhaps express his love for me or the family in ways that are different from my expectations?

2. Communicating Your Own Needs

If, after doing a reality check, you come to the conclusion that your partner could be contributing more, the next step is to talk to them about it. This often starts with recognizing your own needs and then clearly expressing them. If you're longing for more support, it's important to tell your partner exactly what you need — and how they can help you in a concrete, specific way.

That may sound simple, but men and women often think and communicate differently. And this is exactly where misunderstandings and conflicts frequently begin. Women often speak in a roundabout way, assuming their partner will "read between the lines." But men usually need direct statements and clear instructions.

For example: The woman places the empty crate of drinks in the hallway, hoping the man will take it with him to work and buy new drinks. The man sees the crate and thinks, "Oh, she probably didn’t want it in the kitchen anymore," or "Maybe she’s planning to buy drinks herself."
What’s missing here? Clear communication — such as:
“Honey, could you please pick up drinks today? Would that work before or after work? It would really help me out.”

What often happens instead — especially when someone feels exhausted and overwhelmed — is that frustration leads to criticism, like:
“You never help me. I’m always the one buying the drinks, and my back is killing me. You know that.”

But studies have shown that criticism like this tends to backfire — it often reinforces the very behavior you're unhappy with. In fact, demands and accusations can provoke resistance rather than change. When a partner feels criticized, they may interpret it as a sign that they’re never good enough or that they always get things wrong — and that can be deeply hurtful.

In relationships, it’s important to speak with one another openly and lovingly — especially when it comes to your own needs and expectations of your partner. After all, your partner can’t read your mind.

It helps to remember that you love each other, and that — especially in the stress of everyday life — both partners usually want what’s best for one another. And when your partner does support you, it’s important to show how much you appreciate it. Expressing gratitude instead of taking their efforts for granted can make a real difference.

💡 And of course, it’s perfectly okay — and even beneficial — to seek support through couples counseling.
You don’t have to wait until a crisis hits. Taking time to explore topics like communication with a neutral third party can be both eye-opening and incredibly helpful.

3. Ask Yourself: What Can I Change?

When trying to resolve a conflict, it’s important to remember one key truth: we cannot change another person. As much as we might wish we could, it simply doesn’t work that way. At the same time, we also don't want to be changed by someone else — we want to be accepted and loved as we are, with both our strengths and our flaws.

The only person we can truly change is ourselves. And that, in turn, opens up a space for freedom and reflection: How do I want to respond to the fact that my partner offers me little support in everyday life? What constructive options do I have, besides arguing, withdrawing, or complaining? What kind of person do I want to be?
What kind of response would be most helpful — not just for me, but for everyone involved? Even if, objectively speaking, it feels like you’re only responsible for 10% of the issue and your partner for 90%, making a change on your end often has a ripple effect. Because when one person shifts their behavior — even when they "shouldn't have to" — it can touch the other’s heart and inspire change in them as well.

Choosing to look at what you can change is a powerful act — a deeply human one. And it becomes much more meaningful when you know why you're doing it.
Do you see this effort as an investment in your family? Which of your personal values do you want to stay true to?

In this process, it can also be helpful to consciously focus on your partner’s strengths. Doing so can balance out some of the frustration.
What was it that made you fall in love with them in the first place? What qualities did you admire and appreciate?