Inner Emptiness and Sadness After an Abortion – Support for You ❤️
- There are women who say they feel okay after an abortion, even though, of course, they never wished to be in such a situation.
- There are also women who experience very mixed emotions after an abortion. Even if they made their decision consciously, it remains emotionally challenging for them.
- Then there are women who truly suffer after an abortion or regret it. Some even speak of post-abortion syndrome or post-traumatic stress disorder.
If you feel this way yourself, you’ll find ideas and support in our article on how healing can begin.
You are not alone!
All your feelings matter and deserve to be taken seriously. We are here for you with care and want to offer you support.
No Story Is Like Another
You had an abortion recently or some time ago. Most likely, it happened because of an unplanned pregnancy, and you suddenly found yourself in a situation that you may still have trouble fully processing—even with some time and distance.
Time and again, women write to us saying they felt "like they were caught in a whirlpool"—making a decision under pressure or in a panic. Others struggled for a longer time or seemed to make their decision very clearly. Many also describe experiencing pressure from a partner, friends, or family and state this as the reason why they chose to have an abortion. They lacked support, alternative solutions, and a sense of perspective about what life with the child could have been like.
Quite a few women report feeling "as if they were outside themselves", not really recognizing themselves during the decision-making process. Some say they just kept going, almost on autopilot, as if controlled by someone else. Others mention being worried beforehand about how—or if—they’d be able to cope with an abortion, but ultimately decided to go through with it, even though it went against what their heart truly wanted.
It’s also possible that everything was thought through and weighed carefully, that your heart and mind seemed to be in harmony—and yet now, after the fact, you’re surprised by negative emotions and grief.
Acceptance and Understanding of Your Own Feelings
An abortion is certainly one of the most difficult decisions a woman can make. And even though many women have experienced such a situation, your situation and your feelings are unique—as are your reasons for the abortion and how you’re feeling now.
Are you feeling deep sadness, emptiness, or even guilt?
Even if your mind still tells you that having an abortion was probably the best decision given the circumstances, your heart may be sending a different message and is now grieving.
Time and again, women share that after the abortion, the reasons that once seemed logical and important suddenly feel less significant.
Maybe you long for this child and wish you had listened to your heart. You feel an emptiness you’d like to fill again, and you wish things had never turned out this way. Maybe you wonder if there could have been another option after all. Maybe you feel anger—at the complicated situation, at people who pressured you, or even at yourself…
Sometimes grief and guilt become intertwined, and it’s not always easy to clearly identify your emotions. It’s also possible that this can lead to depression. If you feel like you can’t get through the grief on your own, please reach out for help 🧡
Abortion is a step that can’t be undone. Accepting this can be very difficult.
We’ve outlined five steps here that can help you find a way to cope with everything you’re feeling.
Step 1: Allow Yourself to Feel
The first step toward healing is self-acceptance. It’s important not to suppress or judge your feelings. Allow yourself to be sad, and give yourself the time you need.
You deserve to take good care of yourself right now. Pay attention to your needs and try to make time for small breaks regularly.
To help you recognize and express your feelings, small daily practices can help—like keeping a journal or going for walks in nature. Anything that gives you time and space for yourself can help you gather the strength you need to process everything.
Movement can also be helpful. Physical activity helps you avoid getting stuck in your emotions or bottling them up.
- Writing, drawing, making music: What could be soothing for your soul right now?
- Movement, sports, dance: What feels right for you and could help you now?
- Do you have a place where you feel at ease, somewhere you love to be?
1931454569 | Valentin Valkov | shutterstock.com
Step 2: Sort Out Your Emotions
It can also be helpful to look deeper and ask yourself: What exactly feels so heavy and overwhelming for you right now? Can you put into words, in a single sentence, what the core of the heaviness is? What is it that won’t let you rest?
Sometimes, emotions are vague and blurry at first. You’re not feeling well, but you might not even know exactly why—and you keep going over everything in your mind. This can turn into a draining cycle of thoughts.
Even though it takes courage to dive deep into your feelings, it can be important for healing. Is it grief because your child is no longer with you? Is it self-blame? Or, for example, is it that you’re alone and nobody knows about the abortion?
We want to encourage you to embrace the journey that might be beginning for you now. Seek out a caring companion, someone to talk to—or, if it appeals to you, even a spiritual advisor.
Step 3: Process What You’ve Experienced
It’s a very difficult topic, but it weighs deeply on many women’s minds. Yet, they hardly dare to talk about what they have gone through and how this experience has shaped them.
Maybe certain images stay with you—the way everything happened. Perhaps you were at home and it all took place in your bathroom... That may have felt undignified and lonely. Other women struggle with how it felt to be in the hospital or clinic, where everything seemed like an assembly line. Even if the staff was kind, everything still felt so sterile, unreal, lifeless, and sad.
It’s understandable if you’d rather just forget these memories. But sometimes, it’s important to reflect on them or share them with someone else. Listen to yourself, and try to sense what would feel right for you as you process these experiences.
Step 4: Say Goodbye With Dignity
Some women, after taking the abortion pill, have kept their baby or, after a surgical abortion, were able to take their baby from the clinic to arrange a burial, for example. Whether this is possible depends on your local laws, but your doctor can provide information.
If this isn’t an option anymore, you can still consider how you want to say goodbye to your baby in a way that feels respectful and meaningful for you.
Would you like to write a letter to your baby? Did you receive ultrasound pictures or have objects or symbols that you connect with your little one? Would you like to draw or create something… maybe a memory box, light a candle, and create a place of remembrance?
You can also ask at your local community or church if there’s a memorial at the cemetery. Sometimes there’s already a visible space where you can leave a symbol or keepsake—even anonymously, if that feels better.
If you want to read more about what happens to babies after abortion, you can do so here. Please be mindful—the information can be very difficult to process.
Step 5: Experience True Reconciliation
In order to be truly free and happy again in the long run, it’s important to accept what happened as a part of your life and integrate it into your story. If you try to ignore or suppress it, it may resurface later or continue to cast a shadow over you.
You may be asking yourself, "How did it come to this?" It might hurt so much because it goes against your core values, because it’s about life and death, or because you made a decision that deeply affected—or even feels wrong to—your deepest self. Or maybe you feel as if you’re being punished.
You may also be religious and grappling with questions of faith or meaning. Some women feel a need to ask for forgiveness for their decision. All of these feelings show that you have been touched at your core.
We want to invite you to look at yourself with eyes of love again!
Along with an honest look at yourself and maybe even admitting that the decision was wrong, you are allowed to look at yourself and your life with kindness. Love recognizes that, in most cases, there was no bad intention behind your decision, but probably a kind of helplessness. Love also recognizes that, deep down, you likely didn’t choose against your child, but against everything that would have made it so difficult to care for that child in the best way possible. Clearly, your personal circumstances were so overwhelming and filled you with so many worries that, at that moment, you saw no other way than abortion. You might also feel you weren’t really yourself, feeling confused and somehow trapped in your thoughts and emotions.
Love is honest, sincere, and peaceful.
- Over time, can you begin to look at yourself more and more with eyes of love?
- Imagine: if love could speak to you, what would it say?
Support & Help: Don’t Go Through This Alone!
We encourage you not to go through everything you’ve experienced and all that’s troubling you on your own! You are worth getting support so you can find a good way to cope with your abortion.
Perhaps it would help to join a support group, seek psychological counseling, or talk with a spiritual advisor. Maybe you already know someone you can reach out to. If not, the easiest thing is to look online for support nearby.
A great source of help for dealing with suffering and guilt is logotherapy, a form of psychotherapy developed by Dr. Viktor E. Frankl. Even reading about it can already provide new insights and support. You can find books by him and his successor, Elisabeth Lukas, online.
If you wish, you can share your experience in our forum or write about whatever is weighing on your mind—the forum is anonymous. Sometimes, you’ll also find contact information or self-help groups in your area there. Find our Profemina Forum here: Abortion – My Experience
These could be sources of support for you if any of them resonate with you. Some have a Christian background, but they are open to everyone.
Below, we’d like to address three special situations. If you see yourself in any of them, feel free to read on:
-
It’s not uncommon for women to go through an abortion completely on their own—without anyone in their life knowing what’s happened.
Maybe you didn't have anyone you could confide in, or maybe you simply didn’t want to tell anyone. Perhaps you were very afraid of being judged or misunderstood. Maybe you would have faced difficulties, or even been at risk if someone had learned about your pregnancy.
But now, is there a feeling of loneliness and emptiness? Deep down, you might wish you could express what’s really going on inside you. Or maybe you long for understanding and support.
Opening up to someone who can accompany you through your pain can be an important step in healing.
- Would it help you to find someone outside your immediate circle—an objective and neutral person who is there for you? For example, a psychological counselor?
- Is there perhaps someone in your life who comes across as loyal and understanding? Someone nearby or even further away, who is a faithful soul and happy to be there for you?
-
Ultimately, only you know the thoughts and feelings that led you to have an abortion. No one should presume to judge you for that—it’s hard enough when you might be judging yourself.
Sometimes, though, people on the outside say things like, “If you chose to have an abortion, then it must be for the best—so why are you grieving?” This attitude can be very hurtful because it dismisses the deep emotional processes involved.
Family and friends often don’t understand what all of this means and what you’re going through. That can be very painful. You have every right to set boundaries if you notice that certain conversations or opinions are harming you. At the same time, finding understanding and support from others can be incredibly valuable.
- Is there someone who is compassionate, who won’t judge you and will simply be there for you?
- Or is there someone you’re thinking of now, whom you’d really like to confide in?
- In some places, there are also support groups for women who have gone through similar experiences and are now supporting each other. You can find information about these online or by asking at your local community center.
-
It’s very possible that your partner can’t understand or share your feelings right now. This can be very hard on your relationship.
In general, it’s difficult for a man to truly imagine what pregnancy—and especially abortion—means for a woman. Everything happens inside the woman’s body, and she experiences it firsthand. This means that a woman’s emotions are affected differently, because body and mind are so closely connected. For a man, the experience can be much more abstract, as he doesn’t have that direct physical connection. Men often aren’t comfortable talking about their own feelings and may feel overwhelmed by the situation. Or, your partner might need some time and space to process, and that’s why he seems withdrawn.
Sometimes, a partner reacts by being distant or insensitive—not because he doesn’t care, but because he doesn’t know how to handle your emotions and grief. Or maybe he’s worried that you two might drift apart now. In those cases, it can help to explain to him what you’re feeling and what you need—like wanting to find a way forward together, and that you especially need his closeness during this time of mourning. It’s also okay if you feel like you need time for yourself to process your feelings before jumping back into daily life—if so, let him know, so he can understand your need for space.
Maybe your partner was the one who couldn’t imagine having a child right now, and that’s ultimately why the abortion happened. Perhaps you made your decision for his sake, or to protect your relationship. But now, things haven’t gotten easier, and they might even feel harder for you both as a couple.
In this situation, honest and empathetic communication is crucial. It’s also important to pay attention to your own needs.
- Can you gently tell your partner how you’re feeling? Does he know how you’re doing? Maybe neither of you expected to feel the way you do after the abortion.
- Do you feel like he wants to understand you? Or is he busy with his own things, leaving little room for you both to talk about your feelings and reconnect?
- If it feels like the two of you are drifting apart because you’re processing the abortion so differently, couples counseling might help—to find ways to talk about your feelings, process what happened, and get through this tough time together. Could you imagine that, and suggest it to him?
- What are your thoughts about your relationship? What do you want? Do you want to work through this together, or do you feel you need some emotional distance?
- Maybe you find it difficult to go back to the way things were before the abortion, because so much has come up since then—maybe you have different values or life goals. What has always made your relationship special or made you a strong team? What connects you and could help you come together and understand each other again now?
Looking Ahead ⭐️
Healing is a process that takes time. We wish you lots of patience and a loving view of yourself along the way. Even if that feels difficult right now—these are steps you can take, one day at a time. Allow yourself, when the time is right, to find hope again and look to the future with confidence.
We hope that one day you’ll be able to make peace with your past, even though abortion is now and always will be a part of your story.
The following questions may help you on your journey:
- What have I learned about myself through all of this? What values are (or have become) important to me? Have I discovered anything new about myself?
- What would I do if I found myself in a similar situation and was pregnant again?
- What would I wish for or say to other women in similar situations?
- Could I even help others by sharing my story?
If you’d like, you can share your experience with us here and help other women through your story!
Share Your Story
Your story is a valuable contribution to raising awareness about the situation of many women. Many women have gone through similar experiences. By sharing your story, you can help others who are facing the same conflict.
